Try Harder. Do Better.

Never did it occur to me that on the day after I posted my very first blog entry that I would have another event to write about.  Oh, how naïve I was!  I look back on yesterday like it was... uh... yesterday, and I remember my own innocence at that time, how I truly believed that because my daughter is one of those lucky cookie cutter kids, there would never be a story in this blog with her at the heart of it.  I was so naïve back then... way back yesterday.

But before I get to my daughter, let me tell you a little story about my son so you'll see where I'm coming from.

When Braden was in first grade, I watched him become a puddle of tears as I crushed his self esteem by believing he wasn't trying hard enough when he told me he thought cat rhymed with shoe.  I made him redo myriad homework assignments because his handwriting was illegible, and many of those assignments were spelling words written out hundreds of times (or so it felt to him). 

The amount of guilt I feel today as a parent who understands how much she forced perfection on her child is overwhelming. 

Yup, I said it:  I forced perfection on him.  Don't tell me I didn't.  Don't try to comfort me by telling me it's okay because I didn't know he was dyslexic back then or that the school should have intervened.  However true that may be, it doesn't negate the fact that I hammered him.  "Try harder," I demanded.  "Do better!"  The unintended message was that no matter how hard he tried, his efforts were never good enough.  Now my son is twelve, and I'm working hard to undo the damage that was done, not just by me but by everyone who has ever been involved in his education. 

And so we come to my daughter, who is in the first grade.  So far, she doesn't seem to be dyslexic.  Academically speaking, the kid is pretty amazing.  Her grades are outstanding, and her reading level beyond her years.  She loves books and reading and has no issues with understanding new material.  She is definitely my auto-pilot baby.

While going through her backpack last night, I got her progress report: all As and Bs.  Awesome job, little diva!

But...

Attached to her progress report were the force-books-down-the-kid's-throat reading report.  Kaelin had read more books in the last six weeks than I read in college.  Her overall score was an 82.5. 

I have to say, for a kid whose mom doesn't make her kid participate in the force-books-down-the-kid's-throat program at home, an 82.5 is fan freakin' tastic!  I mean, she essentially did it on her own!  At the bottom of the report, the teacher wrote, "Great job!  Should aim for at least 85." 

So despite Kaelin's achievement, the message was: Do better.  Try harder. 

Mama bear growled a little, and then tossed the reading report aside.  I don't really give a fig.  Her grades are awesome.  She's happy.  I'm happy.  I'm not going to address this with her.  She did great!

Then I got a note.  It was attached to a blank sheet of that brown paper designed to teach kids how to write. 

A note?

Kaelin never gets sent home with notes!





Please have Kaelin redo the questions on pg. 93.  We did these together & the words are in the book.  She needs to learn to do her work correctly the first time.  Thanks! 
(Try harder.  Do better.  Try harder.  Do better.  Try harder.  Do better.  Thanks!) 

Any parent of a dyslexic knows that the agony starts with notes like these.  I have developed a certain sensitivity to notes.  I hate notes.  I detest them.  And notes like these really get my goat.  Want to know why?  It's because my daughter just turned seven years old about two months ago. 

SHE DOES NOT NEED TO DO HER WORK CORRECTLY THE FIRST TIME!

No child has to do anything correctly the first time!  Ever.  Know what else?  They don't have to "do better" on their force-books-down-the-kid's-throat reading reports!  My daughter does what she's capable of on that day.  And if she was having a crappy day or if she just didn't get it, that's okay!  Her grades are good, and I'm not going to ask any more than that from her.

What I'm about to say next is really important, so pay attention:  My children - and yours - are allowed to have an off day.  They are allowed to fail.  They don't have to get anything right the first time! 

I'm not encouraging mediocrity.  Grades are important, and holding children up to a certain standard is healthy, but come on... Let's reverse the scenario: does the teacher always do her work correctly the first time?   

Why do we constantly have to draw attention to the minor mistakes?  Because of this negative attention, children may stop feeling that mistakes are simply mistakes.  They may start feeling like mistakes are representative of who they are. 

Even if we set the mistakes aside, look at Kae's reading report.  The kid did fine!  But the teacher said she needs to do better.  We parents and teachers need to be cautious about how and what we criticize... and how often we do so. 

Going back to the teacher's request, I'll have Kaelin redo the assignment.  Redoing it isn't the issue. Yes, I will point out to Kaelin that she had an off day, that it's okay, and that it was very nice the teacher has given us the chance to fix our mistake... so we need to try especially hard to do our best. 

But know this:  I will never tell my child that she needs to learn to do her work correctly the first time.  I made that mistake with my son, and I'm not going to make that same mistake with my daughter.  Ever.